Storytime: I Pee’d on Myself

It all happened at a tacky gas station in Oak Cliff, Texas. I was with a friend waiting for him to take some cash out of the ATM and on that wonderful, beautiful day, I decided to wear some size 00 pants. Given that I’m not 15 anymore, they were extremely tight and I had just taken them out of the drier… so YOU KNOW that shit was tight. They were ripped jeans and every time I sat down, the holes made my thighs look like they were fat lumps wanting to escape my pants. ANYWAY, I had drank some Naked juice and other good fluids- a lot of them, and I tried very hard to hold it in. Gas stations already have the worst restrooms and Oak Cliff public restrooms… let’s just say they weren’t up to par. Nevertheless, I couldn’t hold it in anymore and I just had to let it out. So I make my way to the restroom and as I suspected, they were gross. Usually I make a big layer of toilet paper between my tiny bum and the toilet, but I could just not hold it in so I popped a squat. These pants were so tight, I only managed to pull them down to my thighs. I’m a short girl, the toilet was tall. It was not a good combination.

So there I was hovering my tiny ass over the toilet and girls, I know you can relate to the following. I began to release my bladder fluids and it was a TWO STREAMER and I tried my best to aim it into the toilet! This is where things went wild. I had my pants mid thigh and the two streamer caught me off guard, so I unsuccessfully intended to adjust myself. My stream just went in my pants because I couldn’t even squat right. I kept trying to adjust myself and somewhere in this process, my thigh ever so slightly touched the toilet seat which made me pull the best reaction ever and jump. UGH.. Now, not only was there a small puddle of pee in my pants, I was spraying the freaking floor with my urine too! As if right on queue, someone knocks at the door and at this point I’m freaking out because I’m still peeing!! HOW MUCH DID I DRINK?! Finally, I stopped peeing. But the restroom. The restroom… was a nightmare. There was pee on the floor and on the toilet AND IN MY PANTS. In the end, I had no choice but to put my wet pants back on my body and it just felt sooo MUSHY. It was disgusting.

Luckily, my slightly anemic self had a sweater on and I was able to wrap it around my waist to cover the enormous dark pee stain in my jeans. At the time I was living in Denton, Texas so there was no way I was going to drive an hour in mushy, wet jeans. I was left with one option: going to the store in pee stained pants and buying new pants and underwear. I had to do a walk of shame I’d never known and go into my friends truck and tell him what had happened. He was very supportive and took me to the nearest Ross and was kind enough to buy me some stretchy jeggings, underwear and wet wipes. The wipes were makeup wipes, but they got the job done.

Note: I still wear those jeans.

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