August 15th: The Color Baby Blue

On August 15th I also took the three following positives (I think this is what my goal is going to be, 3 positives everyday).

  1. Made dinner, baked potatoes with mac and cheese, corn on the cob and frijoles charros.
  2. My sister had dinner with me.
  3. I didn’t wake up sad.

Tuesday was a pretty busy and lively day. I stayed busy at work with calls that I didn’t even take my lunch break! All I could think about was food and him. My stomach was growling the entire day, but luckily my coworker had ordered hooters and she shared her chips and celery sticks. I munched on them all day and kept my stomach mildly at ease. I had a lot of cleaning to do at home and I was thinking about what I should have for dinner. I decided I’d have to bake something in order for me to be able to clean around the house. I settled for baked potatoes! I was so hungry though that I began making a bunch of sides! I made mac and cheese, corn on the cob and “bean soup”. I was just going to make potatoes, but I like going all out when I cook, and even though I had a lot to clean already, I went ahead and went all out anyway. I even got my dad his favorite drink, Redd’s Apple Ale so he’d really enjoy his meal. I made a lot of food since I planned on my dad and brother joining me for dinner, but instead they went to the Chinese restaurant. I was pretty upset. It’s not everyday that I cook. Anyway, I let it go and I began preparing my plate and out of nowhere my sister walks in! I had told her to come have dinner, but she’d initially said no because my nephew had just fallen asleep. I was glad she came home to eat with me. I gave her the biggest potato.

Since I’d made a lot of food, I asked him through Snapchat if he wanted to come get some food, he left it open. Then I asked him if he wanted me to take him some the next day again, he left it on read. I texted him goodnight and again, he left it on read. Although it made my heart weary, I was happy that my sister got to eat dinner with me. You know how I say that I’m a big half cup empty type of girl? Well I kept thinking about how much I miss living with my sister and I almost cried as she drove away to her new home. I made my way back inside and walked into the now dirty kitchen. I didn’t get any cleaning done, I just made more mess. But at least I had dinner with my sister.

That night was particularly hard for me. I miss my sister, I miss him, I miss family dinners… I have to learn to let go and I have to keep staying positive though. It’s really hard because I feel my eyes get warm with tears and that weird lump in my throat every time I think of the past, but I can’t keep living there anymore. Why is growing up so hard and lonely? Does it always have to be this lonely?

August 15th I was finding it hard to let go of the past and deal with the hardships of the present. Things are constantly changing and I think about the way the color of the sky changes from a warm, dark, summer night to a pretty baby blue in the morning. The transition is smooth and is literally a welcoming into a new day. I feel like I’m the opposite. I have a lot of positives, but I keep dragging myself into the night with my past. On August 15th I wanted to feel baby blue.

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