Bike Rides & Scars

This is something I’d written a couple of years ago and somehow I am going through emptiness again. I hope to one day feel the way I felt when I wrote this. Depression is real, but we can overcome it. I’ve done it once, I can do it again.

Have you ever lost someone or something that didn’t necessarily pass away or get lost, but somehow just managed to slip away? It’s weird. I lost my family and my best friend. My parents got divorced and my best friend got a boyfriend. They both really hurt and sometimes still hurt, but after a while it kind of becomes like a scar. Like the kind you’d get as a kid when you fell off your bike even though you’d practiced a million times. At first you were doing pretty damn great, swerving every curve perfectly and suddenly, you miss a turn, fall and scrape your knee. Now you have a scar that reminds you of your mistake every time you look at it. Except when you lose someone, it’s not an outside wound and you don’t know exactly where it came from or how it happened.

I don’t think I ever got over it, I just learned how to cope. For the first couple of weeks, months even, I felt empty, confused, alone and just plain bad. It felt like it was going to be a never ending pain. I think the worst part was that the pain was somehow, someway not only emotional, but physical too. I couldn’t eat or sleep. My heart literally felt like it was shriveling up and falling dry. My mind was going insane, so insane in fact that at some point, I lost the capability of thinking. I could lay in bed for hours and stare at the wall with not one single thought lingering in my mind. It was completely, utterly dark and empty. And somehow, someway, one day I just woke up and it didn’t bother me anymore. That sadness had become a part of my life. However, it’s not like I was sad everyday. The sadness was there, but it didn’t show because it eventually became a reality that I learned I had to live with.

Of course memories will bring me back to that sadness, but it doesn’t affect me as much as it used to. You learn to live and you learn to cope with the things that happen in your life and not because someone taught you or you taught yourself. Not because of therapy, although that may be helpful for some people, but because you live. Every day that you choose to wake up and keep living, keep breathing… you cope, you learn. So if one day, you wake up and everything seems to be shattering in front of you, know that sometimes there really is nothing you can do about it or change what happened and it is completely okay. Because just like you woke up with your life shattering from one day to another, one day you’ll wake up and you’ll see the sun again and actually feel it. One day your heart and soul will heal just like your scraped knee did when you were a kid swerving those curves.

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