August: The Color Red and Progress

It can be difficult writing everyday about how I feel especially when there are days that I wake up with the worst mentality. There are days when I wake up completely fine and then while I’m doing homework or sitting at my cubicle at work and I get a panic attack. My breathing unsettles, I get really shaky and nauseous… it’ the worse. Especially when I can’t control it. So since I wasn’t able to give a day by day color, here’s a summary of what my August was like.

August was without a doubt the color red. Red because I am going through a roller coaster of emotions. Red because of my random fits of rage. Red because sometimes I felt happy and full of life. Red because sometimes my panic attacks make me blush in embarrassment.  Red because it is one of the boldest colors and I feel bold every day for not listening to my negative thoughts and choosing to keep trying, keep living and simply just keep going.

This Sunday I spent it with my family. My brother, my sister, my dad, his girlfriend and my step-sister. We had a very late lunch and then we went Downtown to ride bikes. We rode bikes till my thighs were on fire. It was the first night in a long time that I had hung out with my family, together, and it was literally one of the most fun nights that I’d had. Then, I got home and didn’t even shower because I was exhausted (gross, I know). After I got home and I snapchatted him. He never replies, but he always reads it. At first it really hurt me, but that night he replied and my heart didn’t entirely skip a beat or run a million miles per hour. It was a faint skip and it made me realize that it didn’t entirely change my mood for the night and that made me feel great. In a certain way. I miss him incredibly,  but I’m slowly detaching myself from him. However, it also hurts me that I’m detaching myself from him when I know he needs love.

August was red and it was an incredibly hard month, mental health wise. I look forward to September not only because the first Sunday showed much progress, but because I decided I need help. This Friday I’ll be going to the doctor and talking about my anxiety and negative thoughts. Whether or not I get medication, I’ll also be going to therapy. It kind of embarrasses me to be looking for help, but I know I need it. Not even a handful of people know that I’m doing this and it’s because of my initial statement. He knows and he’s the only person that makes me feel okay about it. This September I hope it’s full of progress and that I learn how to overcome my struggles as well as to not seek validation or comfort in others. September, I will try my best to focus on me.

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