Bambi*

It’s been about 4 months since I tried to out myself and although I am not 100% okay, I’m feeling better. I can get up semi-early now, I started showering more often, I can get out of my house, I eat and drink, I have a small job. I’m making slow, but steady progress. I’m still having trouble being around people, looking at myself or my family, doing my makeup and hair every day.

Everyone that was there for me after I left the hospital eventually trickled out of my life, not entirely, but I guess seeing me in bed every day wasn’t their favorite activity. I really don’t blame them. They have their own lives to worry about. Everyone would tell me to “get over it” or “it’s all in your head”, so I think it was best that they didn’t involve themselves too much because they didn’t really help. No one has a manual on how to deal with someone else’s depression. One person who actually bothered helping after a couple of bumps is him.

He told it like it was and shared some of his struggles. Although that did help, what helped the most was seeing him move. He’s like a spinner that just keeps going without ever really stopping. He takes things like they are and he doesn’t dwell on anything and if he does it’s for like 5 minutes. He goes to work, gets home and studies or works on personal projects, goes to sleep and even in his dreams I think he seeks for more ideas to bring into the world when he wakes up. Anyway, I saw that and thought to myself, “I don’t want to wait. I want to be positive like him and be making moves like him.” So I did as he advised, and started taking positivity not negativity. For example he got kicked out of his moms. Instead of seeing it as the loss of a home, he saw it as a sign to be responsible and get his own place and “amarrar sus huevos” (hold onto your balls). I would’ve been my anxious, over-thinking self and thought, “My mom hates me, I’m gonna be homeless, I don’t even have a job,” which are all facts BUT using postivity it’s more like, “My mom is doing what’s best for me, I can do something for myself, I can look for a way to spend time and make money.” So that’s how I’m starting to train my mind positively.

*Note! This was written in January and I have made more progress since I decided to use a more positive attitude! I will be giving an update on Saturday about how I’ve been doing since this was written. Thank you for reading ❀

– Nayelli

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