My First Heart-break

I’ve had my heart broken twice. The second time I broke it myself, but we will get to that later. The first time I got my heart broken I was 17. I had been with this guy for 3 years, on and off. We would always break up, but we always came back to each other.  Until one day he didn’t come back to me. We started talking through MySpace when I was in 8th grade and we talked all day. We eventually got “serious” and went from MySpace to IM (Instant Messaging). I remember telling him how ugly I felt and he would always tell me I was pretty- let me clarify that I most definitely was not. I wore glasses, braces, had bangs that covered half my face, was a million times twiggier than I am now and mostly I was the most unconfident girl who carried herself so low. He was a guy with low self-esteem and the one feature I remember him hating was his bad acne. I can honestly say that I don’t see what other flaw he saw in himself, physically because I just never saw one, besides the acne. In a sense we were both “losers”, but we were losers that had each other.

I have always been the type of person to be very handsy, PDA, lovey-dovey, all of that fun gooey stuff. I can also be very trusting, where he on the other hand was none of the things I’ve mentioned. As years passed I discovered minor self confidence and acceptance and I was more out there, he was still reserved and happy with where he was. We broke up the last time because I needed him to show me he cared the same way I did, I didn’t understand that he had a different way of showing love and care because I never bothered discovering it. I think the girl he left me for did, I like to think so. He left me for a girl I knew had feelings for him. I would go to one of his classes with him and spend my time there all the while she practically slobbered over him, but kept things friendly with me. I always warned him about her, but he always convinced me she was just a friend and that she could never be into him. BUT LOW AND BEHOLD *eye roll*.

I never realized how much I had lost until I watched him with someone else. I don’t know if he ever felt the same way, but hey this is my heart break story. I realized not only did I lose my boyfriend, I lost the one person who had accepted me regardless of looks, anger management problems and constant depressive states. We practically grew up together, we saw each other literally blossom and become beautiful teens. I had always thought that we would be that couple who blossomed together and were with each other through ugly and thin. I no longer had someone to call at night when I was feeling suicidal. I no longer had someone to randomly call in the middle of the night to say I love you. I didn’t have anyone to tell me they loved me back. I had no one to hold my hand or my heart because the moment he left with her, he left me. The one thing that made this all real was the moment I asked for him back and he told me he “didn’t love me like that anymore”. Y’ALL. When he said that I literally felt my heart fall to my feet and possibly make a hole all the way down to Earth’s core. I remember the exact place and moment it happened.

What made this more confusing for me was the fact that we had spent the holidays together. We shared headphones, listening to the Band of Horses while I sat on his lap with my head on his shoulder that very Christmas. We also spent New Years together and that February I got word that he was officially going out with the girl from his class. I. WAS. LI-VID. I went pycho ya’ll. I imitated running her over in my dads big ass Silverado. I told her some repulsive things to her face. I even made him cheat on her just to make them break up and spread the rumor all around school to make her look stupid. Little did I know the only one looking more stupid than her was me for doing all those dumb things. She stayed with him despite all my efforts and once I realized I had lost I was absolutely devastated and broken.

I felt the biggest most empty hole in my chest and no amount of tears I shed could begin to describe my heart break. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. I would just cry and hold our Build-a-Bear close to me, so much so that it lost his smell and I cried over that too. I went sobbing to my mom once because I couldn’t even control it anymore. I didn’t know how to get him out of my head. I have a horrible relationship with my mom, so going to her was a big deal. I even tried cutting to make the pain go away (don’t do this!). I cried so much my dad stopped asking what was wrong every night because he already knew. Telling my parents was extremely helpful. My mom was oddly helpful in that she shared with me some great advice that I wouldn’t have listened to had I not been so broken. My dad would buy me snacks and he would make jokes about the guy who broke my heart.

I thought I would be broken forever.

One morning after my daily zombie life routine of just going about my day empty hearted and falling asleep to my heart break playlist that consisted of Aventura, Taylor Swift and in specific Band of Horses’ “No One’s Gonna Love you”, I woke up and I realized I was fine. I had shed all the tears I could shed for this guy and I would shed no more! I got up, did my makeup, put on a cute outfit and heels, got in my black Mercedes and drove myself into my second self heart-break. Haha

Seriously though, my first heart break was awful and I can honestly say I wouldn’t even wish that pain on the girl he left me for. It’s something most of us will go through and it is completely okay. It is completely okay to grieve over the loss of a relationship. However, what is most important is to know that you will recover, you will move on and you will be able to listen to love songs and not think about him.

2 thoughts on “My First Heart-break

  1. “Everything ends, and it’s always sad, but everything begins again too.” I love that saying, that’s what I was reminded of after reading this.

  2. Hello Nayelli. I just read your post. I think it is interesting that you would look back on your first heartbreak. Sometimes when these things happen they are so nerve wrecking, but it is good that we can all look back and smile at everything. The problem with heartbreaks however is that they happen all the time. Nobody is ever too old to be heartbroken. Therefore, we need to learn how to deal effectively with it.
    I know a secret that can help anyone to stay ahead of the pains of heartbreak. The secret is to experience God’s love. God is our creator and he loves us so dearly. God loves us more than anyone on earth could ever love us. However, do we love God? Most of us do not seem to pay attention to God. God answers our prayers when we call on him, the times when he does not answer our prayers, he usually has reasons for not doing so. God never breaks up with us and is always with us. However, we do not seem to take notice. It is important to know the full extent of God’s love and to tap into it. If you have a faithful relationship with God, he would be faithful to you. God can do anything for someone he loves if those things are according to his will. God can bless you with material things such as a new car, a new house, a great job etc. God can bless you with spiritual gifts such as the gift of healing, the gift of prophecy, the gift of visions etc. God can answer your prayers. God can offer you with guidance and direct your steps to the best path. God would be with you in difficult times, God can bless us with eternal life etc. Everything mentioned above here about God are actually little compared to what God can do. God can do any and everything. Nothing is impossible for God. However, many of us do not tap into this love, we actually should.
    When we experience God’s love, we feel worthy, We feel worthy because we know that the greatest being that exists (God), cares about us. The feeling of worthiness creates confidence in us, and this confidence helps us to stay secure in relationships. When we are in relationships, we also need to make sure that we are not putting our partners above God. We need to make sure that we maintain a relationship with God and still rely fully on God’s love and not on our partners love. Our partners love is not as perfect as God’s love. When we rely on God’s love like this, even when our partners break our hearts, we know that we have a love from a higher being (God), a love that is above all other love, and this causes the exit of our partner’s love to feel minor. Also, when we read the bible and obey it, we ultimately become better people. Becoming a better person means that you will be a better partner, and we all know that nobody wants to lose a good partner. The fact that you are a good partner decreases the prospects that someone would break your heart, because if they do, then they are ruining their own chances with a person who is a rare gem. In addition, when we date other fellow believers, we can be rest assured that if they are true in faith, they would not break our hearts. Believers who are true in faith know what love is really about. When true believers do the wrong thing, they know that God is watching them and God rebukes them for doing wrong. Due to their commitment to the faith, they usually would not cheat, break your heart or do generally hurtful things, at least no on purpose. So you see, you can really benefit from God’s love and from surrounding yourself with people who are after God’s heart.
    Concerning God, the bible says in Psalm 147: 3 “He heals the brokenhearted
    and binds up their wounds.”
    God says in Isaiah 41:10 “Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
    Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
    I will strengthen you and help you.
    I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.”
    I suggest that you begin a relationship with God and begin to experience his unending love today,
    If you wish to start a relationship with God, here are the steps that I usually recommend:
    1) find a quiet space free from distractions, a place where you can pray.
    2) imagine that Jesus is in front of you, talk to him the way you will with a close friend. Tell him that you are ready to accept him, invite him to come into your life and become your lord and personal savior. Ask for forgiveness of past sins. Tell Jesus that you want to die to your old self and be reborn as a new creation in him. Pray that you inherit eternal life and the kingdom of God. Beware of sudden distractions when you pray, this is a trick the devil uses to stop us from having focused prayers. You might also get the feeling that God is not there or that you are simply wasting your time, this is another trick that the devil uses to discourage us from prayers.
    3) If you have any specific prayers, or something specific that you need, you can ask it in Jesus name, and God would attend to the prayers. God usually has three answers to prayers: Yes, Yes but wait, and No. God has a reason for every answer, and his answers are usually what is best for you. When you pray, you need to have faith that you will receive. God does not like it when we pray but doubt his ability to provide what we want for us. Lastly, prayers and faith without works wont bring results. E.g. If all a person does is prays and has faith that they would get a job, without actually applying to jobs, they WOULD NOT get a job. God does not work that way, God loves hard-working people, and God rewards hard-work. If all Christians had to do is pray, have faith, and stay home all day awaiting a blessing, Christians would be the laziest people on earth. LOL. Your part is to pray that God should fast-track your success, so that you recieve your blessings quicker than people who are relying on their own strength. Your blessings might also come in a bigger way. Remember to thank God when you get the answers to your prayers.
    4) Read the bible and obey it. You can find free bibles online. You can also find free bible apps on google play. Keep praying all the time and maintain a connection with God.
    5) Trials and tribulations may come your way, sometimes these are designed to test your faith, and sometimes they are simply tricks from the devil to get you to denounce the religion. At times like this, you pray to God, you fast, and you maintain consistency in the faith, this way, God would lift you above all trials and afflictions.
    6) You can join a community of bible believing Christians. Having friends who are believers would keep you on track, and the conversations about the religion would be beneficial to your faith.
    7) Get a water baptism, and pray to God so that you can receive a baptism in the holy spirit.
    8) Begin to educate yourself on the things of the lord. Read books from ministers who have practised deliverance, healing, seeing in the spirit, and other gifts. Read about how they got these anoiting and learn more about the workings of the spiritual realm through Christian books.
    (The things written in this list are not to be followed in any particular order. The most important thing is to begin by asking for a forgiveness of sins, confess Jesus as your personal lord and saviour, and pray for eternal life. You can mix up the order of the rest. However, I strongly suggest you do them all simultaneously).
    If you ever have any questions, please let me know. God bless you. Have a great day 🙂 xoxo

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