I’ve had my heart broken twice. The second time I broke it myself, but we will get to that later. The first time I got my heart broken I was 17. I had been with this guy for 3 years, on and off. We would always break up, but we always came back to each other. Until one day he didn’t come back to me. We started talking through MySpace when I was in 8th grade and we talked all day. We eventually got “serious” and went from MySpace to IM (Instant Messaging). I remember telling him how ugly I felt and he would always tell me I was pretty- let me clarify that I most definitely was not. I wore glasses, braces, had bangs that covered half my face, was a million times twiggier than I am now and mostly I was the most unconfident girl who carried herself so low. He was a guy with low self-esteem and the one feature I remember him hating was his bad acne. I can honestly say that I don’t see what other flaw he saw in himself, physically because I just never saw one, besides the acne. In a sense we were both “losers”, but we were losers that had each other.
I have always been the type of person to be very handsy, PDA, lovey-dovey, all of that fun gooey stuff. I can also be very trusting, where he on the other hand was none of the things I’ve mentioned. As years passed I discovered minor self confidence and acceptance and I was more out there, he was still reserved and happy with where he was. We broke up the last time because I needed him to show me he cared the same way I did, I didn’t understand that he had a different way of showing love and care because I never bothered discovering it. I think the girl he left me for did, I like to think so. He left me for a girl I knew had feelings for him. I would go to one of his classes with him and spend my time there all the while she practically slobbered over him, but kept things friendly with me. I always warned him about her, but he always convinced me she was just a friend and that she could never be into him. BUT LOW AND BEHOLD *eye roll*.
I never realized how much I had lost until I watched him with someone else. I don’t know if he ever felt the same way, but hey this is my heart break story. I realized not only did I lose my boyfriend, I lost the one person who had accepted me regardless of looks, anger management problems and constant depressive states. We practically grew up together, we saw each other literally blossom and become beautiful teens. I had always thought that we would be that couple who blossomed together and were with each other through ugly and thin. I no longer had someone to call at night when I was feeling suicidal. I no longer had someone to randomly call in the middle of the night to say I love you. I didn’t have anyone to tell me they loved me back. I had no one to hold my hand or my heart because the moment he left with her, he left me. The one thing that made this all real was the moment I asked for him back and he told me he “didn’t love me like that anymore”. Y’ALL. When he said that I literally felt my heart fall to my feet and possibly make a hole all the way down to Earth’s core. I remember the exact place and moment it happened.
What made this more confusing for me was the fact that we had spent the holidays together. We shared headphones, listening to the Band of Horses while I sat on his lap with my head on his shoulder that very Christmas. We also spent New Years together and that February I got word that he was officially going out with the girl from his class. I. WAS. LI-VID. I went pycho ya’ll. I imitated running her over in my dads big ass Silverado. I told her some repulsive things to her face. I even made him cheat on her just to make them break up and spread the rumor all around school to make her look stupid. Little did I know the only one looking more stupid than her was me for doing all those dumb things. She stayed with him despite all my efforts and once I realized I had lost I was absolutely devastated and broken.
I felt the biggest most empty hole in my chest and no amount of tears I shed could begin to describe my heart break. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. I would just cry and hold our Build-a-Bear close to me, so much so that it lost his smell and I cried over that too. I went sobbing to my mom once because I couldn’t even control it anymore. I didn’t know how to get him out of my head. I have a horrible relationship with my mom, so going to her was a big deal. I even tried cutting to make the pain go away (don’t do this!). I cried so much my dad stopped asking what was wrong every night because he already knew. Telling my parents was extremely helpful. My mom was oddly helpful in that she shared with me some great advice that I wouldn’t have listened to had I not been so broken. My dad would buy me snacks and he would make jokes about the guy who broke my heart.
I thought I would be broken forever.
One morning after my daily zombie life routine of just going about my day empty hearted and falling asleep to my heart break playlist that consisted of Aventura, Taylor Swift and in specific Band of Horses’ “No One’s Gonna Love you”, I woke up and I realized I was fine. I had shed all the tears I could shed for this guy and I would shed no more! I got up, did my makeup, put on a cute outfit and heels, got in my black Mercedes and drove myself into my second self heart-break. Haha
Seriously though, my first heart break was awful and I can honestly say I wouldn’t even wish that pain on the girl he left me for. It’s something most of us will go through and it is completely okay. It is completely okay to grieve over the loss of a relationship. However, what is most important is to know that you will recover, you will move on and you will be able to listen to love songs and not think about him.