This is a continuation from “Chew me up and spit me out”, check it out before reading further so you’ll know what’s going on! 🙂
Eric. Eric. Eric. We will keep that fake name to talk about the guy who treated me and I allowed to treat me like crap. I like to make it a point that despite him being a complete asshole of a person, I was the one who noticed and decided to stay. I was lucky to be in a position where I could leave if I wanted to, so ya’ll might be wondering… why did I stay? I had this stupid thought when I was young and that thought was this: “I rather feel something (love) than not feel at all.” GIRL. Why? Who put this in my head? Where did I even hear this? Why did I ever think this was a healthy thought? I don’t think I took into consideration my whole situation in that he did not love me back. Someone who truly loves you will always treat you with respect, will be caring and will always take your feelings into consideration.
The first year and a half I just cried in hopes that him seeing my pain would make him care at least a little bit. One day while we had a long conversation about our “relationship” I sobbed IN HIS ARMS. He held me and pretty much told me I’d get over it and I’d get used to us being nothing. He was so unbelievably harsh and inconsiderate and I eventually started feeling angry towards his malicious words. When I began to feel anger, my coping mechanism changed and instead of crying, I began messing with other guys. When I started receiving other guys attention, I loved it and I realized there were people out there who would find me attractive.
There are two people in particular that come to mind that helped me realize I really was pretty and that I was enough of a reason to be loved and cared for, their fake names are Jose and Jim. I never realized until now, but both of their real names start with a J! Anyway… Jose was the first person to give me flowers for no reason what so ever. He would also always tell me how beautiful I was and he would always admire me. I had to end things with this amazing guy because I still had my head up my ass. I’m ashamed to say that I used him to try and make Eric jealous. My blindness not only led me to tolerate mistreatment, but it also made me ungrateful towards what I had right in front of my face. Maybe I’ll go into detail about him if anyone would be interested. Jim was a coworker and we would talk after work for HOURS. I used to work at a warehouse and we would get out at 3:30 and Eric got out until after 9. Sometimes I would leave work like at 6 or 6:30, but it never felt like we talked for long because time with him time just flew by. He would talk to me about his girl issues and I would talk to him about my Eric issues. We had an undeniable connection that even we were taken aback by. He always respected the fact that I wanted to stay with Eric, but he also made it known that I deserved much better than Eric. My connection with Jim and Jose’s care and attention (without reciprocation) showed me that I could definitely find someone and be with someone that was worthy and made me feel worthy. I didn’t get with either of them because it is unfair to start a relationship with someone while having feelings for someone else.
That’s something else I learned: you can’t expect for someone else to fix you. I looked for Eric to fix me after my first break up and now that I think about it, maybe that’s another reason I stayed with him. My major breakthrough was definitely after Jose. If he hadn’t come around and tried to sweep me off my feet I don’t know how much longer it would’ve taken me to cut things off with Eric. After Jose it just became easier to accept attention from other guys. So every time Eric made me feel like crap, I simply went to someone else and I never felt bad because by Eric’s own rules, we weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend so we could do whatever we wanted with whoever we wanted.
Dating became my thing and having Eric around just became baggage that I no longer wanted to carry around. I didn’t need his crude judgement, empty promises or a person with no goals or aspirations. I do have to admit though, I brought him around my family once in the Holidays just to see if maybe I would feel a little something and I didn’t. That’s exactly how I knew that things with him were just never going to work out and it wasn’t because I didn’t try. Trying goes both ways and I just wasn’t having it anymore.
You shouldn’t have to wait or expect for someone to fall in love with you because of the things you do. It doesn’t matter how many loads of his laundry you wash, how many guys you dodge for him- if he isn’t ready he WILL NOT commit. Sometimes it may not be that he isn’t ready, it may just be that ya’ll aren’t compatible. Regardless, love shouldn’t be forced, if it is then it isn’t love. I don’t know what the word for that is, but whatever the word is, that’s what it was with Eric; because I’ve loved before and what I had with Eric was not love.
In the end he was the one that hurt. I never gave him a reason to hate me, but I gave him a million reasons to miss me. He on the other hand did everything for me to dislike him and not love him. He may and I don’t doubt that he will find someone else, but no one can take away the pain that me cutting him off left and that’s a win I’m taking.