I always knew I had some kind of problem with drinking, but I never really addressed it because I never did anything dangerous. Hysterically throwing up and sad tantrums were not enough to highlight a developing problem when I was younger. I do not promote underage drinking, but the first time I got completely trashed I was 17. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I kept drinking that night because I was upset and sad, not to have fun. The night I got shitfaced at 17, I was freshly broken up from my first heart-break. I was in my little cousins room and we were drinking strawberritas. I felt comfortable drinking at my cousins because I was around family, which should have given me more reason to be cautious as to not pull off what I did that night.
The first couple drinks I got warm and all my memories enhanced and I started realizing how sad I really was over things that had already happened; such as the break up and my parents divorce. After a while I noticed I no longer tasted the alcohol and that those thoughts were just blazing through my head.
What did I do for him to not want me? What could I do to make both my parents know I love them equally, yet live permanently at ones and not the other? Why did I seem to upset everyone?
I gulped down enough strawberritas to black out, to stop being conscious of my thoughts- and my decisions. I got so wasted my older cousin literally stripped me down- something I’d never done had I been sober enough to say no or control my own body- and she showered me in an intent to sober me up. I vaguely remember crying about no one loving me. Although I’ve always had clear and obvious signs of love all around me, I always felt unloved. My older cousin even tried to sober me up with STRAIGHT black coffee, it was disgusting. I was told someone stuck their finger down my throat so I would throw up all the alcohol I’d taken. I woke up the morning after in someone else’s panties and with little to no recollection of that night. My stomach was empty and I didn’t know it at the time, but so was my soul.
In my younger years I conditioned myself to see negativity in anything and everything that happens to me. I felt so little and meaningless. I never felt like this until I started getting bullied in school. Looking back, all that hatred and mistreatment from my peers overshadowed my families love. I never looked for help and I never told anyone besides the couple of friends I had. The one time I did ask for help in elementary school, I was in fourth grade and the counselor brought in my bully. Y’all know what this guy said? He said, “I’m mean to her because I like her.” I know for a FACT that wasn’t the case. What’s sadder is that my counselor literally rocked back, smiled, clapped her hands and said:
“You see sweetie, he just likes you.”
As if that’s an excuse to not address his mistreatment and blatant bullying towards me. After that I didn’t trust my “higher authorities”. With no help or guidance, I was put in a position to believe that I was alone. So that’s how I dealt with things, alone.
In college every time Eric did something that upset me, what would I do? Get black out drunk. Drinking became my outlet because I’d get to express what I felt while not realizing it and I raged or cried uncontrollably. For that drunk moment I was able to release anything I felt.
It was a problem I could see developing, but I never recognized it until about a week ago. A week ago I got wasted because I got mad at my current partner for not going to a dinner where he would’ve met one of my childhood best friends and spent time to meet some really important people in my life. I hadn’t hung out with my friends in a long time and the last time we planned something I ended up cancelling because I got in an argument with him. I wasn’t about to cancel on them again and I wasn’t going to sit around and wait for him to change his mind on going. I was excited to see my friends and catch up. I arrived before them and I kept wondering why he wouldn’t want to come. So again, my conditioned mind allowed this to overshadow the good in what was going on. I drank nonstop and didn’t bother to keep track of my drinks.
After my fun night out with my best friend, Jessica, we parted ways. I hardly remember anything after that. I went to my partners apartment and raged. Avoiding details that I’m still not comfortable sharing, I earned myself 7 stitches. I still cannot believe what happened, but this happening has been severely eye opening.
For years I have let all bad things in my life overshadow all the blessings. When I was younger, I could use the excuse of not knowing any better; but at 17 I should’ve known better. I should’ve recognized that getting black out drunk to forget was wrong. I shouldn’t have waited ’till I got these stitches that will most likely end up scarring.
After this accident, I decided to take a couple of lessons and apply them to my life wholesomely. I will look for help in anger management, depression and anxiety so I can learn to properly cope with any issues that comes my way. I will create my own happiness and not let it depend on others. I will not let negativity overshadow my blessings. I will not drink if I am emotionally distressed. I already began acting on these decisions. Beginning next week, I am going to start attending support groups that apply to my issues. These support groups include CBT which is amazing. I also decided to be sober for 3 months to prove to myself that I can go without alcohol. Your life is YOURS and YOU have the power to do what’s best for you. The sooner you stop wasting your time, the sooner you begin taking action, the sooner you will see results.
Take action for the best of you. ♥
If you or anyone you know has a developing issue whether it be alcohol, drugs, cutting, anything that involves negative coping mechanisms please let them know that there are other ways to cope and actually move on from whatever it is that’s going on. Don’t forget that I do have a contact page where you or anyone is welcome to vent to me. I am not a professional by any means, but I am a person who cares and sometimes that is all you need.