It’s crazy to think that not even a whole year ago I was so mentally zoned out I couldn’t feel a thing. I remember when my nephew was born I was so excited that he would- he had to make me happy. How could I not be overjoyed to hold my very first nephew in my arms? I saw my nephew so tiny and so cute and I knew in the back of my mind that I loved him. There was never a doubt from the moment I saw him I knew I loved him, but for some reason, my brain wasn’t sending the message through and I held him and I loved him, but my mind wouldn’t let me feel it.
Like I’ve said before, I had 3 different characteristics and the one that always had an appearance was deafening sadness that wouldn’t let me express exactly how I felt. I guess in some way it’s okay cause otherwise I would’ve squeezed my nephew so uncomfortably hard!
Each passing day I was alive and breathing, but it felt like life had been sucked out of me and it was hard to pretend that I could feel. Every emotion felt empty handed. I was screaming inside. I was frustrated and tired of being sad. Why was I so sad when I had so much to be happy for?
We are our worst critics and I let every single good thing overlap my disappointment for expectations I had set for myself that hadn’t been reached. I dwelled on my mistakes and created dark grey clouds that eventually became a storm in my mind. Every time I looked in the mirror I saw a mistake, a useless mistake that no longer had a place in this world because I felt so invaluable. I avoided mirrors as much as I could. I ignored my breathing, my sense of touch, my sight, I ignored everything because it hurt too much to acknowledge that with all these abilities, I still managed to fail.
“Failure is nothing more than a chance to revise your strategy.”
I didn’t realize what I was doing at the time, but I was ignoring everything because it was easier than working on myself. It was easier than noticing a long road ahead of me. I don’t think that at the time I realized there was a road or the possibility of a road ahead of me, which is why ending my life seemed like the best option at the time.
Rather than think like me and think of suicide as the best option, skip that step, DO NOT DO IT. Instead, look at the road ahead of you. If you see no road, make one. Be the creator, be the writer to your own story. My inspiration is my dad. I know he would’ve loved it if I had became the lawyer I dreamt to be when I was younger; but I also know he would’ve hated to see me going to a job I hate everyday, to see me hate my day to day life. My dad, my sister, my brother, anyone who claims to love me will be happy with my happiness. When you think about it deeply, you attract what you put out. I was making no effort in my life, I was dwelling on my mistakes therefor causing others to only see that too- because that’s all I had to offer. I took into consideration the abilities that I have, the abilities that I failed with and realized I still have them! I have my mistakes and I have my abilities, it’s time to put them together and create a positive outlook! Now, I am working on putting myself together. I have a job, I am taking care of my bills, I am doing something I love on the side which is writing this blog, I am attending support groups. I am no longer a mistake, I am now someone who got up from my fall, dusted off, learned from my mistakes and kept going.
It was hard to get out of bed and deal with the life I was given, it will be hard for you too. However, I am farther in life than I was a couple months ago when I was melting into my bed. You can do it too! Lay out your situation: X is what you have, X is what you have to deal with. Once you’ve laid it all out ask yourself,
“What am I going to do about it?”
“What can I do about it?”
“What will I do about it?”
Then, do it. Remember that it all starts with you. You are a priority, so treat yourself as one. You have no one to please but yourself! You can do it!