My Bikini Shoot Experience

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

A couple of weeks ago I decided I wanted to take nice pictures of myself. I have a hard time with my face… can anyone relate? Since I tried to commit suicide, it’s been hard to look at myself in the mirror. Not because I am ashamed of myself. Not saying I’m proud of what I did either. I think it’s because I’m still unhappy with how I look. I think depression or the anxiety have taken away my confidence and my ability to be okay with what I have. It’s weird how your mind can literally rewire itself. I loved myself and was so confident sometime last year. I was flirty and bubbly and then out of nowhere every emotion deflated. So far I have successfully gotten into the mindset of not wanting to kill myself. I now need to get on self care and self love. I want to be that confident person I was before. I want to be able to walk with my head high, smile and just be happy.

I am so not used to my face yet. I look in the mirror and it’s hard to put that face to myself. It’s hard to say that’s MY face. I don’t know why it’s so hard to make that connection. I look at the pictures taken of me and all I see are flaws. My little rolls, my lacking smile, my long face, my nose, my pores, my hair. It’s not tasteful to me. They’re a tart taste to my palette. But some people like tartness right? It’s not the quality of the pictures or anything, it’s the subject, it’s me. I think I look good and for a moment I feel good, but then I see myself and I change my mind completely. If I look at a picture too long I cringe and look away before I start hating on myself again.

The thoughts I have and feel toward myself are things I wouldn’t let other people say about me, not for a second. So why would I allow myself to feel so shitty? I like to treat my brain like a toddler sometimes to where I have to stop and say, “No, you are fine just the way you are. You are pretty.” I have battles with myself at times. I haven’t seen any solid progress yet, but the more I do it, the less of a battle it becomes. Hopefully soon I won’t have to fight myself anymore because I’ll be happy with myself again.

This is my all time go to pose. I turn my head or tilt it a certain way to avoid my profile.

When I took my graduation pictures, I took them in a white dress and my favorite cream colored heels. I did not want to have those pictures taken. I always have my hair straight, so for those pictures I wanted something different. I asked my little cousin to curl my hair, she’s good at curling hair. When I saw the pictures I could not contain my tears. I looked so disgusting and uncomfortable. I legitimately wanted to claw my face off. I only scrolled through the pictures, I never saw them printed out. I refused to. I told my sister and my mom to not give them to me. I didn’t want the album. I didn’t want a picture, I didn’t want a trace of my disgusting, vile face seen anywhere. I was so full of hate for how I looked. My mom now has a blown up picture from my graduation. I see it now and I really don’t look bad, I look pretty cute. I know why I didn’t like them, but that’s just who I am. So I have to be learn to be okay with what I have. Not just be okay with it, but to love it.

Head tilted and turned again.

I no longer want to claw out my face, I’m now just getting comfortable with my facial features. Still super picky about my nose and jawline. When people post pictures that highlight that one thing they’re not comfortable with it inspires me. I don’t know if they’re ever as terrified as I currently am sharing this, but I hope I make at least one person be happy with what they have. Post that picture of you smiling and not covering your face. Post that picture of you with a headband, showing your entire face. Post that picture of YOU in a bathing suit showing off what your momma gave you!

This picture bothers me so much, I asked my photographer to take it down from her page. I’m sharing it to show you what I’m learning to love.

I know some people may think negatively over what I’m about to say, but I do plan on getting a nose job in 2019. I just know that with that surgery I’ll be so much more happy with myself and much more confident. I get so giddy just thinking about it. I want to love myself. I’ve been with this nose my whole life and I’m happy, but that nose job is going to give me so much more confidence. I will finally look the way I want and feel like I’m meant to look.

Slight smile cause I’m comfortable hiding my profile.

I’m glad I took these pictures because although I am not too comfortable, I’m putting myself out of my comfort zone and pressing my fears. I love my body, now I just need to love my face. I want to encourage everyone to step out of your comfort zone and try something new. Take pictures showing your stretch marks, take pictures of your big nose or big forehead, take pictures of what you believe are your flaws. We aren’t flawed, we’re just built differently and we need to learn to love it. I know these pictures gave me a small push to self acceptance and self love. So I want to thank my photographer, coworker and best of all friend, Taylor who was literally hyping me up this entire photo session.

All I see is my hair.

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