Gnawing Insecurity Vs. Trust

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How much does insecurity play in ones trust in others?

I was having a conversation with one of my friends on my lunch break at work. I can talk to her about almost anything without embarrassment because I know that when I say something, something others may consider taboo, we will always have a bomb and honest conversation.

I know her since middle school and she has honestly blossomed into a very pretty woman. She’s tall, her hair is shoulder length, her legs are super nice, perfect sized breasticles, she has the perfect straight smile, her lashes are naturally long, thick and curly, in summary she is very beautiful! To top it off her personality is just amazing. She’s funny, caring, smart. The whole package!

So, we’re having this conversation about our significant others and she brings up the fact that sometimes she feels insecure about her b.f because she feels like maybe she isn’t enough. Maybe she isn’t pretty enough or doesn’t know as much as other girls. She finds her man attractive and while he is, she is too. It just took me by surprise that someone like her could ever feel insecure to the point where she felt like he may some day walk away. I took in her worries and I can’t even remember if or how I reassured her, but what I do remember is thinking if someone like her could be insecure, what the hell should I be?

I have a monstrous insecurity about particular features, enough for me to question my entirety. If you look back at my post about recognizing my own face after depression (here) you’ll know that my insecurity has been kind of severe. After this conversation I kind of realized that I am still insecure, I’m just better at shadowing it? I don’t want to say I’m hiding it because I know it’s noticeable to anyone with a good eye.

I noticed that when I’m home comfortable in my underwear, no makeup and glasses on I tend to look away from my s.o more often. My underlying insecurities are always nagging me because I always have a constant itch to peek at my s.o’s phone. I know he’s talked to others when I got him upset, so why wouldn’t he talk to others when I’m not looking my best?

I worry that on his commute home he will see someone better, that in the doorway to all pretty girls, aka social media, he will find someone new while he’s sitting right next to me because what’s on his screen is better than what’s right at home. I worry because he’s downloaded tinder when times have gotten rough, because I’ve seen things that don’t add up. There have been more good days than bad, and I have done things that haven’t been okay, but he is still here. We are together literally every day, I have seen him be a soft caring person, I have seen him be tough.

I can’t help but acknowledge that what makes me worry most about him finding someone new is my insecurity. I notice that when I’m all glammed up and actually feeling my best I feel like he won’t leave or look the other way. Switch it up and I feel insecure and disposable.

When I’m not letting my thoughts gnaw at my confidence, I realize that it’s normal to acknowledge others’ attractiveness. Like damn, I’ll always be attracted to salt & pepper, but that doesn’t mean that I’ll jeopardize what I have at home because I love what I have at home. If he’s here like I’m here, why wouldn’t he feel the same way, right? I guess insecurity is just like any thought, it needs to be trained and redirected. I’m definitely working on this by focusing on the good things, the good moments in our lives and his reassuring statements. Like the moon and sun however, I have my eclipses every so often and that’s okay, but like the definition of trust states; I have to rely on his character and truth. And I do.

Thank you for reading! Today I was feeling kind of emotional hence the grey post. Nevertheless I hope you enjoyed it and got to learn a thing or two about me and maybe even yourself! What are your thoughts on insecurity?