When you’re not expecting Pt. 1

I thought not having anything written in stone in your life was hard. Until recently. For a couple of weeks I had been having trouble sleeping, but I didn’t really know why. A week before my period came around, I got cramps and mood swings like I usually do and I patiently waited for my period to come around.

I carried a couple tampons in my purse because my first day is always heaviest. I had to make sure I was packing for my bloody day.

The week I usually got my period passed and I thought, cool, it’s not the first time. It’s like the second time this happens. Totally normal to miss a period every now and then. So I waited another week.

Nothing.

The week after my period usually came around I began to have a funny taste in my mouth. Like If I had a penny or coin in my mouth. It tasted like straight metal.

I think at this point I was just really nervous because I missed my period and I had had cramps, so I was sure I was going to get my period soon. I have never wanted to have children, so the idea of being pregnant was beyond me, but it still lingered. I never imagined I could have kids because I just have never wanted one. That lingering thought fused in my brain and one night I had a nightmare where I had a small bump and I had stretchmarks near my pelvic area. I literally shot right up from my sleep HORRIFIED and looked at my stomach to make sure I didn’t have stretch marks.

I didn’t.

But this dream really stuck with me and at this point I was growing suspicious of being pregnant. I had minor nausea and I was thinking it was my anxiety that just had me feeling so flustered. After all, my anxiety has made me nauseous and gag plenty of times. It was a Friday. Friday the 5th. The next day, I was scheduled to go to the state fair, have one of their delicious piña coladas and a fried pumpkin pie. I wanted to not feel guilty about getting drunk that next day, so I didn’t plan on taking a pregnancy test till Monday, the 8th. But I was just so nervous, anxious and feeling so crappy that day that I just had to find out. So during my lunch break I drove myself to Family Dollar and got me a Clearblue, because if I was going to check and try to be certain, I was not going to risk  getting a false positive. I asked the cashier where they had them because I looked around and was so frantic I couldn’t find them.

She told me where they were. I grabbed it and she scanned it and asked: “Are you excited?”

“No.”

“Are you going to keep it if you are?”

“No. Do you guys have restrooms here?”

“Yeah, but customers can’t use them. Sorry!”

“That’s fine thank you.”

“Good luck!”

I scurried away as fast as I could and walked to a smoothie place next door. I ordered a mango smoothie so I wouldn’t seem like a weirdo just using their restroom. I had chugged a whole bottle of water so I really needed to pee! With my great luck though, the restroom was occupied and there was only one.

I waited for an eternity and was finally able to go in the restroom to take the test.

Guys. It’s been a little over a week since this happened and I couldn’t be any more scared in & for my life. I have been going at my own pace with school, I’ve been making many, many mistakes along the way. Everything has affected just me. I thought going slow and not having a set timeline was difficult, but I was most definitely not prepared for what I found out that day. Stay tuned for the next part of this story.

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