Before looking at the test I washed my hands in the sink next to the toilet. I didn’t even make a slight glance towards the pregnancy test. Part of me was hoping that this was a sick joke or a nightmare. I was so scared and nervous I didn’t want to look.
I took the two steps I needed to take to grab the pregnancy test. There was only one line in text…
The pregnancy test read pregnant.
I was so shocked my tears didn’t even come out right away. My heart fell to my stomach. I was devastated. Not surprised, but devastated.
I walked to my desk after my lunch break and just sat there. Literally shaking. I felt so sick and out of it, I couldn’t finish those last 30 minutes at work. I drove to my s.o’s apartment, the place I’ve been staying at for months, but still have a hard time calling home, and was hoping to get some sort of clarity or sign this was a lie. I decided to stop by CVS and get another test. The cashiers paid no mind to my purchase and kept mingling amongst themselves. My cashier put the test in two bags, bless her heart. I then drove to a QuikTrip 3 minutes from his apartment and took the other test.
I had been acting normal in all of our texts and he had too, so I’m sure he hadn’t suspected anything about the pregnancy. He had also not texted back in hours and I knew he was tired from work. My thoughts were going haywire and I just hoped that in his heart he would be okay with an abortion too. After all, we had talked about it before an neither of us wanted kids, him not now and me ever. I got to the apartment and tried to keep my cool. BUT I JUST COULDN’T!
He was sleeping in bed, exhausted I’m sure. I woke him up with my crying and he tenderly asked me what was wrong and opened his arms so would go hug him. I didn’t go towards him I just kept crying and telling him to look in my bag so he could grab the pregnancy test from there. He didn’t grab it. I took it out and he didn’t even have to look at it, he already knew. Anger ensued.
*omit details that are embarrassing to me* I will eventually share this but it’s not the time right now.
So yupp, I’m pregnant and I’m definitely going through a lot of emotions. I never wanted children, I have always been pro choice, I always said if I got pregnant at this age, I would not carry the pregnancy full term. However, there are a lot of factors that have made me go along with the decision I decided for this pregnancy and… that’s to run with the pregnancy full term. I’m scared, horrified and I’m still learning to be happy with the decision I decided to make. I’ll share what led to me deciding to keep it in the next post.
Also, I’m sorry for taking so long for posting this. I was supposed to post this Friday, but I’ve been having a hard time with this pregnancy. Emotionally and physically! I’m sure some of you will understand!