I have ALWAYS said that I never wanted children. I never wanted to be a mom. I never wanted to be pregnant. I never wanted to give birth. I never wanted to have to adjust my life for another being. I have always thought that children were not for me and if I ever did decide to have a child, I would adopt. This world is so messed up and filled with unwanted children, why would I want to bring another child into this world? A lot of my reasons for not having a child have been what many would call selfish reasons, but I can’t deny that a huge reason is because I do not want to bring a child into this unhealthy world.
Apart from not wanting children, I have always been a strong pro-choice believer. I always said that if I got pregnant, especially at this age, I would get an abortion. I myself would not have one abortion after another, I am not saying I think it’s right, but I do think it is a choice each individual woman should have. Being that I have that choice, it’s a choice I would definitely take.
Growing up in a Mexican, catholic household babies are known to be popped out all the time to grow up in conservative, judgmental households. That was my experience at least. Because of all the babies I saw and the hassle I saw these families have to support them, I didn’t want to be that person. I didn’t want to be just another senseless “breeder”.
The one and only time I saw someone be pregnant with a whole lot of love and support was when my sister was pregnant with my nephew, Nikólas. When my sister told me she was pregnant my heart immediately grew almost as much as the Grinch’s did, and when I saw him after being cleaned up and wrapped in his blanket, I just knew I’d love him forever. This however, did not change my mind about liking other kids.
My sister and brother in law would ask me if I was gonna make Niko a cousin and my answer was always no or maybe in the future when I believed I’d be more mature.
When I found out I was pregnant I was devastated. I was devastated because having this baby would mean letting go of my short-lived fun life, losing myself, my body to a being I don’t even know, losing so much potential physically and in life because a child is a life long responsibility. I’d be losing my right to grant my every want and need. What hurt me the most was losing my grasp of my beliefs. My beliefs to be independent, my beliefs to do what I thought was best for me. I feel like I no longer have the rights to my beliefs because I couldn’t even apply them to myself, I would be a hypocrite. I feel like a hypocrite.
I didn’t want to keep this baby because I haven’t accomplished anything I’ve wanted to accomplish. I don’t have a degree, I don’t have a husband, I haven’t traveled to Germany, Switzerland or Australia, I haven’t had an iconic day in my life or a great story that I would love to share with everyone that isn’t sad. I haven’t lived.
I chose to keep this baby because up until now every decision I’ve made has been for myself. Because I thought I was doing the right thing every time before this and I always ended up fucking myself over. Exhibit 1,000,000: having unprotected sex and ending up pregnant.
I chose to keep this baby because the father has been amazing thus far and extremely supportive in every way he can. He tries, he stays, he cares, he is loving. He is responsible.
I chose to keep this baby because I have an extremely supportive family such as my sister, my dad, my brother, my step-mom, my step-sister, uncle, godparents, god-siblings, friends and maybe even my mom.
I chose to keep this baby because there are a lot of women with children, single, married, divorced, being successful mothers and workers all in one. I hope with all my heart that this baby pushes me to do everything I didn’t have the balls to do while being an independent lady. I hope this baby gives me enough reason and motivation to move forward with my life and give it the best life me and his/her dad can give it.
Despite this baby dragging the fuck out of me this first horrible trimester, I think I will learn a lot and me and my baby daddy can teach him or her a lot. I’m hoping that this one unselfish decision will put me on the right path in the long run, even though I am experiencing many negative aspects of a child already from work, to personal life and physical aspects. I hope that my motherly instincts kick in soon so I can feel love for my baby and be as excited as my baby daddy is, if not more. I know right now I am getting more accustomed to being okay with being pregnant and that makes me happy. Hope and support are the one things that keep me going sometimes, but there are many days when self disappointment drowns me.
Thank you for reading! Next week I will update you guys on what my first trimester has been like and the Christian place that has been helping me and my baby daddy a whole lot!