Holy. Fuck.
In less than 4 months I am going to be a mom. I’m literally going to have the title of a mom. I’m used to being a student, an employee and a daughter… but a mom? I never even wanted to be a mom!
Ya’ll, life literally stops for no one.
In this moment I am infinitely shook with the fact that in four months I’m going to have a living, breathing baby that I made and looks just like me and my life partner. We made a family!
Pedro and I have been going to parenting classes to Thrive Women’s Clinic! We have quite a few packs of diapers, boogie wipes, wipes, blankets, clothes and I even got a Boba baby wrap! I’ve practiced putting it on like twice. I used a fabric softener as a baby to tuck in and it seemed pretty safe. In my parenting classes, I’ve been learning about SIDS (which is horrifying), how to strap in a baby on a car seat, things of this nature. Pedro has been learning about the responsibilities of a dad and being emotionally invested with me and Lily.
Yes, my human fetus. My unborn child. My baby has a name and I know I hadn’t told anyone here, but I’m having a girl! Lily Jane de Leon… -Melchor, (pending approval). Haha I call her that now and every day I truly think I’m getting closer to her. I mean, we’re attached as we speak, but emotionally I think I’m starting to love her. I see my little nephew Niko and think how someone who I didn’t grow can hold so much of my heart. How freaking much am I going to love Lily? It freaks me out how much I care for someone I don’t even know yet. I like to day dream on what she will look like and how Pedro and her will look together. When I first thought of Pedro holding her, that’s when I realized how much I care for her already.
Being pregnant is such a big responsibility. I enjoyed about one and a half of my legal drinking years, I was ready to dive the fuck in and let loose, be a wild child all the while pacing myself with school. But alas, life had different plans- better yet my choices put me in a different path. Now I’m here, twenty two and pregnant not drinking alcohol, trying my best to take a prenatal every day, not drinking too much caffeine, not smoking, not rushing, but putting in more effort into school. It’s a big responsibility in that even before Lily is out here working out them baby lungs, I’m needing to better myself, wanting to better myself so that she has everything my parents were able to give me and more. My urge to finish school is as bad as a full bladder in the morning. My urge to succeed and work harder at my job is no longer a walk on the treadmill, it’s a path with a goal.
Lily has become my motivation and inspiration to do better and be better. Is that not just the most cliche thing you’ve ever heard? In case you didn’t know, mom’s had a point. They have a point! And yes, she’s right, you won’t know unless you’ve been through it or are going through it like me. Lily hasn’t even talked back to me and I’m already getting a Nicki Minaj ass of schooling from her!
Props Lily.
Ripping my vagina isn’t nearly as horrifying as knowing that every decision I make isn’t just going to affect me, but Lily and my new family too. I think back to everything my parents have given me and how they’re divorced. How every single decision they’ve made has affected us in some kind of way, both good and bad. I’m not a fucked up child, it’s not their fault I’m hard headed, but we are all human and we’ve made mistakes. Even our superhero parents. I don’t want to make their mistakes and I don’t want Lily to feel the pain I felt because of my foolish or selfish decisions.
Every step I take isn’t walking on egg shells and it isn’t a walk on the park, it’s in an effort to do what I think will benefit Lily and putting myself second; all the while hoping the choices I make now are good enough for our future. So if anything, I at least have a bit of mom vibes going through me.
In four measly months, I’m gonna be a freaking mom.
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