Today is Lily’s due date, but she decided to come a whole week early! So today is her one week birthday! I’ve had a baby for a whole week, my head hasn’t popped off, neither has Pedro’s (Lily’s Daddy) AND she has been growing great. She is truly an amazing, peaceful and lovable little bundle of immense joy. Having her in our lives has already made it a whole lot better, but obviously not everything is rainbows and butterflies. Truthfully though, even when she cries she’s beautiful and I feel so lucky to have her. Postpartum recovery has been a bit of a hassle emotionally and physically. Prepare yourself for some very real and truthful words. Remember, not everyone’s recovery is the same and my experience is not what yours may be. If you’re not a mommy to be, this is still some pretty personal and very TMI stuff to read. You’ve been warned!
Emotionally on a scale of 1 to 10, I’d say I’m a hard 7. My body, my stomach in particular have been my major points of emotional discomfort. The day after I had Lily, I still looked about 6 months pregnant. It’s definitely gone down since then, but the way it looks has me feeling pretty upset. The holes where my belly button piercing used to be are really dark, my skin is darker , it isn’t extremely loose, but it’s not the way it used to be at all. I saw all these pictures of girls who had their babies and their stomachs still look intact, but I’m not one of them and it brings tears to my eyes because I used to love my body. I don’t know how long it will take for me to accept what I have now. I’m only a week postpartum, so I still have time, but I’m very disheartened right now. I don’t let Pedro look at it. It feels mushy and I have small white stretch marks around my belly button. What was very unexpected and been really hard to deal with is my not being pregnant anymore. I really miss Lily in my belly. I haven’t heard of anyone feeling this way. I haven’t Googled it either, but fuck I miss Lily in my belly. I miss being one with her. I miss her little kicks and hiccups. I tear up writing this because it’s something very hard to say. I don’t know why, but it is. Can anyone relate? Emotionally, I don’t know what much I can do. But there are a few things I’m doing to try and help with my appearance.
I’ve been wearing these awesome smoothing panties my mom got me that are very unattractive, but they’re tight around my stomach and quite comfortable. They’re the Skinny Girl Smoothers & Shapers panties, she got them for me at Marshall’s, but you can find them here in case you don’t find them at Marshalls! They’re about $15 at Nordstrom. I’m also using a belly band that I found on Amazon with amazing ratings! I can’t say anything for sure just yet, but both of the things that I’m wearing are comfortable and keep my belly stable. Or at least it feels like it. You can find the belly band I have here. For my stomach, just today I got a toning and firming cream from Nivea that I also ordered from Amazon! I will keep you all posted on how these products work out for me, but for now I am feeling very bummy about my stomach. So if you feel this way, you’re not alone. Thankfully, Pedro has been very productive and he will still kiss my belly and tell me I’m beautiful.
The one thing I’m sure a lot of people are curious about is my baby making hole. My baby making hole is alive and well! Thank God and the almighty universe. There are many things for me to cover on this subject. Let’s start with what happened to it. My 6.3 lb lil baby Lily was an angel and didn’t make me tear! Ya’ll don’t know how fucking grateful I am for this. WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS how grateful I am for this. Although I didn’t tear, I did have a cyst of some sort on my labia, so they straight up just sliced it off (that’s what Pedro said) and I did end up getting stitches. Again though, THANKFULLY it isn’t causing me any pain whatsoever. What IS… is my pee hole and minor tears on my vagina that BURN like a motherfucker *Samuel L Jackson voice times 1,000* when I pee. To top it off I got a UTI and I have literally been sobbing every time I pee. I have a sock in the restroom that I bite and scream into because it burns so bad. I have literal trauma and hesitate to pee and drink too many fluids because I’m so scared of peeing. Those couple seconds of peeing are pure torture. I’m taking antibiotics for my UTI that just started kicking in, so my pee hole doesn’t feel like it’s ignited every time I pee, but the minor tears still hurt bad enough to where I grasp my thighs mercilessly and shed a couple of tears. A little add in- that squirt bottle that is praised didn’t really help me. I had so much faith and hope in that bottle and IT FAILED. For me. There are also a couple minor inconveniences I’ve been encountering, like bleeding! Bleeding is no lie. I bleed A LOT, but it’s been mostly like a heavy period with cramps here and there. Also, I got a butt rash from wearing pads and adult diapers. YEAH. I said it. I wore adult diapers for like 3 days because it felt easier and it was. Then my mom got me those panties and I switched to pads. Lastly, my bhole is fine. No pain when I use the restroom! Again, thank GOD and the almighty universe for this. It does feel kind of sore after, but nothing to complain about. My peeing experience definitely takes the cake for pain in my current postpartum experience, 10/10.
Lily has been a dream to have and be around. The only times she cries are when she’s hungry or has a smelly diaper. The only thing that upsets me is when she has gas. It hasn’t been often, but when she has it my heart literally shatters because I feel so freaking horrible that I can’t take them away. Her pain cry is different from her normal cries and I know she’s in pain and I have to hold back tears cause it hurts so much to see her in pain. It makes me feel helpless. I thought I’d be genuinely upset, like angry upset having to wake up or even take care of her. Like I’ve said many times before, I never wanted children but dear God I have never been so happy and grateful than I am now to see my babies little face. I try to absorb her every waking moment, every little face and hand gestures she makes in her sleep. She’s one week old and I feel like time is fleeing. I’m enjoying every moment I can because the way my nephew grew showed me that they are only tiny for so long. There’s no room or thoughts for anger, rancor or any negativity that I had previously worried about. There’s only room for appreciating every precious moment I have with her and I see her have with her Daddy. Like any other corny and loving parent would say, my baby is my motivation. It’s unfathomable how much love and how life altering a baby can be. Dirty diapers, crying none of that seems to matter because it’s her crying, her dirty diapers. Everything she does is perfect. Everything she does is fine and I’ll sock anyone in the face who says any of the negative things I used to say about babies to my baby haha
The pregnancy, the pain, the anything and everything that happened and happens to me for Lily is worth it. It’s worth each and every breath she takes. If I, a hardcore child-free, independent wannabe, “cold hearted” and anything else you may have deciphered from my previous posts is doing it, you can and will too.
Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it. Feel free to comment any thoughts or questions you may have! I’m not sure what I’m going to write about next. Probably my labor experience, maybe Lily and the stuff she’s into right now or how my breastfeeding is going. There’s honestly so much I can fill ya’ll in on, but if there’s anything you’d like to know about in specific, let me know too!