i love you Lily

Lily,

I need you to know that I never wanted children. I never wanted kids. I never wanted sleepless nights, dirty diapers, waking up to crying, or to let my body change for someone that would eventually leave me.

Lily, I need you to know that when I found out I was pregnant I was scared. I was scared to have you and I was scared to not have you. I was lost in my fear, as I saw my belly grow I was scared of what I’d look like after. I was scared of failing as a mom. I was scared of not loving you. I was scared of giving you a broken home. I was scared of not caring enough. I was scared of everything.

Lily, I need you to know that once I held you, I knew I didn’t have a child. I realized I had a literal angel. A blessing. A best friend. A whole freaking angel.

I got a reason to be happy in life. I got the privilege to see your smile. I got the privilege to see your head full of hair and beady little eyes in the morning. I got the privilege to kiss your little dimply booty, and soft, soft belly. I got the privilege to hold you, to be your mom.

I got the privilege of endless bliss watching you grow and blossom.

Lily, I need you to know how much me and Daddy love you. How not a day goes by since you were born that we don’t gush about you. Not a day goes by where I don’t thank God, the universe and all the lucky stars that I was blessed to get pregnant. I was blessed to have YOU. Every morning I wake up with you snuggled by my side and I swear to you… there is no word or way I can express what bliss I feel just by looking at your face.

Lily, you are the angel baby that I never knew I needed. You are the one who grew my heart times a million and showed me what true love is. You are endlessly perfect, and I wish there was a universe in which I could keep you small forever, to keep you safe and warm. But you’ll grow up.

You’ll grow your own wings and not need me anymore one day.

Lily every breath I take belongs to you.

When you grow up, Lily, I need you to know there’s nothing in life I’ve been more grateful for than to have had you. Everything I had once feared dissipated the moment you took your first breath.

And finally, Lily, I need you to know that you will always, always have my endless love and my whole heart.

Thank you, Lily, for making someone out of me. For showing me true love and trust. Thank you, Lily, for everything you’ve given me by being born.

I love you Lily.

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