Lily is my first baby and my first pregnancy. One of the reasons I didn’t want to have children is because having a watermelon come out of vagina never seemed like my cup of tea. Then, I found myself pregnant and there was truly no other way for her to come out.
I still hope that science comes up with a way to teleport children from bellies out into the real world within 5 years, which is when we plan on trying for baby #2.
Anyway, as any first-time mom I began my Google search on how to make labor run smoothly. Breathing exercises and mantras were the biggest hit, but there was something else that intrigued me and that was the different positions you can birth a baby. I decided that I was going to use the bed bar, recite a mantra, breathe, use laughing gas instead of an epidural and give birth squatting. This was my birthing plan.
As we all know, things never go according to plan and I was no exception to this saying! The day had finally come, and it was time to buckle up and have a baby. Before leaving the house, I took a picture of my belly and I couldn’t contain myself. I cried and held Pedro so close and asked him to lay in bed with me for just a little while. It’d be the last time it was just us two and although I was excited, I was also petrified of the thought of a new little creature being with us. I felt like I had just started to get to know him even more and like I wasn’t ready for this new little baby coming into our lives. How was I going to deal? I wanted to stay in that bed and in his arms forever.
We made our way to the hospital and I wasn’t having insane contractions, but they were pretty close together. I used the BabyCenter app my whole pregnancy and that’s how I kept track of my contractions. We arrived at the hospital and I was so nervous. They were just going to check if I was dilated enough to stay.
Good lord I hated getting checked down there. I don’t mean to scare anyone, but along with my immense fear and awkward cervix the pain and discomfort brought me to tears. I don’t remember the medical term, but to check my cervix they had to go under something, and to go under that thing they had to go in way deep. I couldn’t see down there, but I can guarantee you guys I have been fisted. FISTED!!! They had to get a nurse with longer fingers to check cause they literally could not gather what was going on down there. As it turns out I wasn’t dilated enough, but I still stayed.
Ladies I highly recommend you eat before going to the hospital because otherwise, you will not have a chance to eat!! Luckily, I was so nervous I don’t even remember getting hungry. To pass time and encourage my body to dilate I walked around the hospital floor a bit, bounced on a bouncy ball and just relaxed. During this time, I could feel my contractions, but it wasn’t severely painful.
It was time to get checked again and I was a measly 2 centimeters dilated and my water hadn’t broken. I was so set on letting everything take its course naturally and I did not want them to break my water. They were honestly so patient and sweet, but my body was idle. They encouraged me to break my water and it literally broke my heart. I felt like that was the beginning of me failing. Like I was failing at giving birth, at being a mom. I couldn’t even make my own water break and it felt devastating. Pedro reassured me that it was okay, and so did my sister and I caved and let them break my water. I don’t know if it was pain that made me cry or the fact that I felt like a complete failure at that moment, but I cried so hard and with so much emotion. I feel like my heart broke along with my water.
Finally, though, that step was over and now all I had to do was dilate. I dilated to 4 centimeters and I got so happy that something was happening! I was doing it! I was going to have Lily. It didn’t once cross my mind that I may have to get a c-section. I don’t know why, but it just didn’t. I remember looking at my bed and trying to set up in my head how I was going to push Lily out squatting. The contraction pain began to get a little hefty, but I was set on not getting the epidural and I had my handy laughing gas that got me so lit at first. Pedro even got happy cause I smiled shortly after using the laughing gas. After 6 cm of dilating, I kind of just stopped. Time kept passing, but I just wasn’t dilating. The pain was excruciating, I swear I spent about an hour or more screaming non-stop and that’s when I heard Pedro’s voice saying to get the epidural and a woman’s voice, I think my sisters, telling me it was okay to get the epidural-that it didn’t make me any less of a woman. So, I got the epidural.
I was crying not because I was afraid of the pain, but because I was disappointed in myself for not going through with the birthing plan I’d wanted from the start.
How was I supposed to squat now?
Was Lily going to be all drugged up too?
The contraction pain was so bad, I don’t remember feeling any pain when I got the epidural. I simply felt relief and although I felt bad at first for getting it, I’m glad it was an option available to me. Right after getting the epidural I was instructed to take a nap, rest my little sad heart and see what happened within an hour…